Getting my now 13 month old down for a nap has been the challenge of a lifetime from the day she was born.  I still remember the days when I was expecting, the silly fantasy world I pictured of my husband and I happily gaming away on our computers or parked in front of the PlayStation, while the sweet little baby slept blissfully in her motorized swing. These were the days before I had ever really given any thought to the ideas of  reflux, milk protein intolerance, and hyperactivity. Before teething, the never ending cold, and a world full of clueless “experts” proclaiming that the secret to parental happiness and clockwork naps was within your grasp, if you would only buy their book.

Well I have news for you, Doctor Ferber. And I have something I’d like to share with you, Doctor Spock. The true secret to putting a baby to sleep, well, mine at least, is a STRAIGHT JACKET.  It’s been a long year of fighting the good fight to get this child to sleep. We tried the Ferber book’s ”cry it out” routine, which was only a dramatic  disruption to our whole family and resulted in a clingy, insecure terror. We have otherwise always “parented” our child to sleep. I can’t tell you of the long days and nights spent walking, jostling, and rocking her in a desperate bid for some sort of peace. And then there came the magic day sometime around her 1st birthday that I was too exhausted from midnight teething adventures to even stand, let alone hold the now 20 pound baby and carry her around the house till she conked out. So I sat in the rocking chair, and just held her. After a few well placed headbutts and ninja chops to the face, I crossed my arms over her chest, grabbing her wrists, and held her so that she could only wiggle at  most.  Lo and behold, she was out in 3 minutes. After repeating this procedure every day since, I realized I had found the Holy Grail. This child was so wound up all the time, she was physically incapable of keeping still long enough to fall asleep.

For added ease, I have combed the Internet looking for straight jackets produced in size 18 months to 24 months. Strangely enough, my quest has not produced any useful results. I know somebody out there will suggest swaddling, but you have to be realistic. What kept a baby pinned down when they were 6 weeks isn’t going to hold a hyped up 1 year old. Since there appears to be an as of yet unfilled need in the world of e-commerce, I am open to potential business partners who are interested in partnering a company for the manufacture of infant and toddler straight jackets. I speculate that the general public might actually be very receptive to being able to order straight jackets off the Internet for all their children, right up through adolescence.

So now that I am able to acquire a few minutes of daily freedom from the neverending care of baby, husband, and house, I have found the frequency of showering has dramatically increased for the first time since delivery. I rarely ever go 3 or 4 days without bathing anymore! It is my prediction that the consequential reduction in armpit hair, overgrown toenails, and body odor is really going to help put the *spark* back in our marriage.

This is our redneck sandbox: an $8 plastic kiddie pool covered by a $4 tarp. We live in Tennessee, so we can get away with that stuff.